The state of me, which is, I’m now large enough to be a state

So the hill didn’t work out so great. I made it about 100 yards before my knee protested quite loudly, and I haven’t had the guts to try again since.

Me getting a tattoo in January. There is no excuse for how much weight I've gained. :-(
Me getting a tattoo in January. There is no excuse for how much weight I’ve gained. 🙁
Eating healthy on my own hasn’t been working either, though, so last week I rejoined Lindora, the SoCal weight-loss program that has worked for me quite well in the past. It was $600 I wasn’t planning on spending at the time, but I’d reached maximum disgust with myself and didn’t stop to think about the consequences–I just drove myself to the clinic and walked in the door.

The consequences came later, of course. For one, I’d signed up right before a conference in Chicago. The Lindora rep and I decided the best time to officially start the program would be the Monday after I get back, since starting while in a hotel would just be setting me up for failure. (Whew!) That $600 price tag was another yikes, so I sold some Apple stock to help pay for it.

And then the scariest part was stepping on the scale. Holy bejeezus, that was horrible. I’m up to a horrifying, revolting, what-the-fuck L.A. high of 242 pounds, a mere FIFTEEN POUNDS LESS THAN MY LIFE-TIME HIGHEST OF 257!

So. That happened. And now I almost can’t wait for next Monday to come so I can get started on resetting my brain, because even that horrible, terrible number hasn’t been enough to stop me from eating the ice cream and donuts, and even sitting in the most uncomfortable chair ever last week at a restaurant that obviously doesn’t cater to large-assed customers, wasn’t enough to stop me from ordering dessert. I need the full-stop, no-compromises regimen that Lindora provides, and I really can’t wait.

I don’t want to be this uncomfortable in my own skin anymore.

Getting out of survival mode

A close friend of mine died in January, shortly after the holidays. I was the one who found her on her couch, two days after she’d passed, and I’ve pretty much been in survival mode since then. For me, survival mode means ice cream and donuts, rarely leaving my couch except for work, watching TV episodes that I’ve already seen and therefore already know what happens, and knitting and crocheting like my life depends on it.

So here I am, two months later. My weight is the highest it’s been since I moved to L.A. almost 15 years ago, which has led to my knee issues and heel spurs flaring up and causing much pain whenever I’m standing, much less walking. My right arm, particularly the elbow, is in almost constant pain from the relentless knitting and crocheting, making it difficult to type, to brush my hair, to hold my camera, and to play pool. My whole body feels out of control, and the pain makes me not want to move at all, completing a very ugly circle.

I’m trying to shake loose and bounce myself out of this survival mode that’s more like a “self-destruct mode”. This morning I finally went to my knee doctor for my overdue orthovisc shot–only two and a half months late. Next week I’m seeing an elbow doctor. And tomorrow I’m going to try to walk down the hill for the first time since before Christmas.

Changing my eating habits is of course proving to be way harder. Despite probiotics and some new med my doc put me on to control cravings, I have been unable to stay away from any of my customary sabotage foods–particularly sugar, but also pizza, chinese food, pasta, etc. My sis and sis-in-law suggest The Whole 30, which seems crazy hard to me, but my colleague said 14Four is similar, but half the time, so theoretically easier. However, it also costs, which The Whole 30 doesn’t. So, do I fork over the cash to try to help myself? So far, I’m undecided. I think I’ll see how the hill works out first.

A 2014 Year in Review

Matt Inman (The Oatmeal) holding my handcuffs for a pic at Denver Comic-Con, June 2014
Matt Inman (The Oatmeal) holding my handcuffs for a pic at Denver Comic-Con, June 2014
Wow. I have not been here in a gazillion years. I wasn’t even sure I’d remember how to log in, but fortunately my browser remembered my password, even though I didn’t.

So, no posts for the entirety of 2014. How pathetic. Here’s a quick rundown of what I did in 2014:

Things kind of went to hell at work, through no fault of my boss or anyone in my department, but I definitely don’t harbor any fluffy feelings for the H.R. department. It led to a craptastic summer depression that segued into horrible weight gain, and I still haven’t bounced back from that. Yay? I have, however, revamped my professional website (pmcarlson.com). And possibly my resume.

The sis and brother-in-law finally bought a house, and I spent much time flying out there to hang out in it. It’s a large 100-year-old Victorian that’s currently getting pummeled with snow and ice, with a large backyard, a garage, and my own bedroom. It’s pretty sweet.

I didn’t go to any professional conferences in 2014, but I did fly out to Denver for their Comic-Con and for my friend Jacqui’s 40th birthday. The weekend had its ups and downs, but overall it was a good time–plus I got the Oatmeal to hold my handcuffs for a pic. 😀

National Champions!
National Champions!

My 8-ball team won first place in the Vegas tournament! We are officially the National 8-ball Women’s Team Champions….in the trophy division. That’s kind of like the kiddy-pool of divisions. However, we got awesome trophies that say FIRST PLACE, and really cool leather jackets with National Champions stitched on them, along with our names. It was pretty awesome.

Kayaking on some river in New Hampshire, Labor Day Weekend 2014
Kayaking on some river in New Hampshire, Labor Day Weekend 2014

Laugh Factory marquee
Let’s see, there was also kayaking in New Hampshire, going out onto the ice after a Kings/Bruins game, new glasses, a visit to the mantis shrimp in Monterey, a new GoPro (won it at the department holiday party), a visit to Nerd HQ, a new niece!, and a one-time foray into speed-dating.

And also, my stepbrother died, last March. Which sucked.

So, that was 2014. Some good, some bad, and totally over. Hopefully I can be better about posting in 2015.

Wigglebutt, wigglebutt!

This post has little to nothing to do with wigglebutts, but that’s what we like to call my nephew sometimes, so it seemed like a nice random post title for today.

This “posting every day” thing really isn’t working out too well, is it? Well, the year is still young, hopefully my posting ethic will mature right along with it.

Today’s WW meeting was good, in that I lost about a pound and a half–that’s over five pounds lost now, woo! Five pounds in a month is a tad slower than I’d like, but every loss is a good loss, so whatevs. I really need to get me some mason jars, though, as I think this idea is awesome and would help to motivate me, especially now that I can immediately put five buttons/chips/marbles/etc. into the “Pounds Lost” jar. (I, too, originally saw this idea on Pinterest, but I’m too lazy to find the original source.)

My plan for the rest of today is to work on updating a client’s website, replacing most of the Flash objects with javascript/html5 scripts–yet more evidence that Flash is indeed on its way out. That makes me sad, ’cause I’m pretty good at hand-coding in Actionscript 3, and not so good at all at coding in javascript. Time to update that skill set, I guess.

And once that’s done (the client site, not the skill set upgrade), I have two eps of Lost Girl left, which is DEVASTATING to me, ’cause I can’t find the current season eps anywhere online–not Hulu, not Amazon, not even Syfy’s website. NO FAIRS! Not everyone has cable, Syfy! WTF?!

So, that’s my day. I’d hoped to work on my bear, but once again I forgot to print out any copies of the original, and my freehand bears really really suck, so, no bear for me.

Happy Saturday to y’all!

Weight Watchers

I re-enlisted today. I’m at my heaviest since I first lost the 92 pounds in ’98-’99, and I’m disgusted with myself. Ever since WW Leader Linda moved to Palm Springs, I haven’t felt particularly motivated by any of the other leaders I’ve tried, so this time I went to a whole new (to me) location in Santa Monica–new location, new leader, and new promotional materials for their latest program update.

My brain really wants to succeed this time, but I’m not yet convinced my heart is in it. Fingers, toes and all other protruding extremities are crossed!