The Federal Marriage Amendment

The Federal Marriage Amendment failed to even make it to the floor for discussion in the Senate today, thanks to a complete lack of a majority vote to get it there. Go Senate! (Not you 48 that voted for it, just the other 50.) I think the FMA is complete bullshit, and while I believe wholeheartedly that any two people who love each other deserve the right to be married, regardless of gender, I think it’s the wrong issue for our elected officials to be handling right now, when there are 900 dead American soldiers, thousands of permanently wounded American soldiers, and tens of thousands of American soldiers that won’t be coming home anytime soon, that should be on the tip of everyone’s tongue and the top of every newspapers’ front page. The only reason the Republican politicians are bringing it to the federal table right now is because they’re trying to distract the religious conservative voters from the 900 dead, thousands of wounded, and tens of thousands of constantly-in-danger Americans, all courtesy of King George.

However, in the interest of levity, I wish to share with you the views of my good friend K with regards to the FMA:

You know, if lawmakers really wanted to promote the sanctity of marriage, perhaps they should have structured their amendment differently.

For example, instead of defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman, they should have defined as it a union between two mature, sane, sober and rational people who actually plan to spend the rest of their lives together.

Also, why not do a Three Strikes and You’re Out thing? They seem rather fond of those of baseball-based laws. You get three shots at marriage. If they don’t work out…well, sorry, thanks for playing. Better luck next life. And it should have had some special clauses too:

The J.Lo Clause

Following a divorce or annulment, both parties are put on a two-year marriage probation and will be unable to get married again until that period of time is up. No more of this remarrying before the ink is dry on your divorce papers.

The Britney Clause

Any marriage that ends in divorce or annulment within 30 days of the date of the marriage will result in both parties being put on a five-year marriage probation. Neither party will be unable to get married again until that period of time is up or they can provide certified documentation from a mental healthcare professional that they are no longer a brainless twit.

The Elizabeth Taylor Clause

Any two persons who choose to marry each other, divorce or annul and then remarry each other are stuck together for the rest of their flipping lives. Apparently, you people don’t learn from your mistakes and we feel it important that you not be able to inflict your stupidity on any unsuspecting potential partners in the future.

I’m just saying.

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